point to where he touched you

January 11, 2011

I’m told that our company is relocating offices in the next month or two. I’m trying to avoid just hunkering in my double wide foxhole until that happens—life must go on, right?

Except, @#!*% . Sometimes it’s hard.

I got to work yesterday at about 7am. I do that now and again, depending on Ian’s need to go to weight lifting class or attendance school.

Well, on a Monday morning, at about 7:30, when I’m pretty much the only one here, I enjoy using the bathroom and taking care of what my stomach has been up to all weekend. (Is that TMI? That doesn’t seem like TMI. I’m trying to be sensitive here.)

So I walk into the bathroom, which has an automatic light switch, and this is what I see (actual photo):

bathroom door dark

Except it was darker.

The switch was mashed, not functional. In a panic, I put the trash can in the doorway, whipped out my phone, and did my business with the devil by the pale moon light.

You have to use an entire roll of TP under these circumstances due to the uncertainty. It’s a rule. Either that or wave your cell phone at awkward angles. And never use it again.

bathroom door propped

The bathroom fan has been broken for about two months. This door was propped open all day. I really feel sorry for whomever sits near this door.

Hey, wait. That’s ME! I sit near that door.

Turns out we blew a fuse somehow. Except, um, nobody can find the fuse box. But we are nothing if not resourceful.

bathroom light one bulb

Well, we’re short a few bulbs, if you know what I mean, but you know, we still have our cell phones. They’re pretty bright.

bathroom light stand

I’m not gonna lie–there were some incidents in the dark. The local wiki page that documents such happenings (sort of a company FML) had this to say:

The lights in the bathroom weren’t working because a fuse burned out. A garbage can was used to prop the door open to allow some light so people wouldn’t be completely in the dark. Throughout the day people came and went into the bathroom without incident, until XXX was at the urinal. A person (who shall not be named) urgently needed to pee and went into the dimly lit bathroom, unzipped, and approached the urinal. Without realizing it, he collided with XXX who was already micturating. XXX immediately elbowed them in the gut. As a result, YYY was asked to put a lamp in the bathroom to prevent any further incidences.

When the XYXY team heard about this, they all laughed heartedly and posed various scenarios. ZZZ reached for his Marvin the Martian plushy and asked, “point to the doll where he touched you.”

If this keeps up I may get Stockholm Syndrome. I’ll be like the dwarves at the end of The Last Battle. Or the little fly at the end of The Fly.

Helf me.

[Oh, wait, cancel that, I guess it says “HELF.”]


20 Responses to “point to where he touched you”

  1. KanyonKris Says:

    This made my day. Viva la TMI!

    micturating – as good as leaving finger prints.

    Selfishly I hope the new building is more decrepit. I want the stories.

    • dug Says:

      kris, you are too kind. no, seriously.

      • KanyonKris Says:

        I guess being killed by kindness isn’t a bad way to go.

        Follow up: Since reading this post I’ve had the Marvin the Martian “show me where he touched you” scene spring into my mind and I immediately break into a grin and chuckle. My wife is suspecting I have a mental disorder, which is true but beside the point.

        You have a gift, dug. Thanks for (over?)sharing.

  2. bikemike Says:

    i would be carrying a number of XM84 flash/bang gernades with me every trip to the bathroom. i’ll bet there’s some serious issues with that XXX person.

    you work in a very strange place, my man. i know strange, i look at it in the mirror every morning.

  3. eric Says:

    I HAVE to stop reading you posts in the middle of company meetings.

  4. Nate Says:

    So, are your therapy sessions going to cut into your ski time?

  5. Steve Says:

    Laughed out loud. Got weird looks from patients.
    worth it.

    You don’t need to use the whole roll with the camera you have on that phone.

  6. durvish Says:

    I’m gonna have to second eric — never ever read your blog in the middle of company meetings about loosing money!

  7. Michele Says:

    Your blogs bring such joy to my life.

  8. Steve Says:

    Looks like our bathroom at home right now. Flipped the switch the other day, no lights and the switch was making a buzzing noise. In the meantime, we’re using a little LED work light clipped to the mirror. Waiting for the electrician.

  9. Jodie Says:

    I love this post and I can probably guess which part of Fatty’s you contributed. Reading your blog makes me feel like I’m not the only crazy person in the world. Again I read this while hiding out in my office during lunch. One day I’ll probably choke to death due to laughing while eating, but it will be with a smile on my face.

  10. mike in fremont Says:

    That story reminds me of a comic I saw the other day. He said,” How do blind people know when they are done wiping? Do they have someone proofread it?”

    Funny stuff, thanks for sharing.

  11. tohellandback1st Says:

    ok, i’m behind in my dug reading but, Mike in Fremont, how DO they know? that one will bother me for a while….

  12. Try visiting 3single dot com. There you talk to amateur grils who look like your neighbor. Have fun 🙂

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