best left to professionals

February 2, 2011

I am 45 years old. I have 3 kids. I have a real job.

And yet, I cannot resist telling you this little story about what  happened in the bathroom at work yesterday. Kim, just skip this one. I apologize. At least there are no pictures.

A co-worker, one with a V and a P in his title (so it’s not just me, right?), came by mid afternoon and said “I’m going to to need your assistance in the back office for a minute.”

I shook him off. I’m all about automatic light switches and the awkward social dynamics at work during the public execution of private bodily functions. But generally, I try not to be about the physical evidence of those functions. At least not in this space.

But V and P persisted, and I accompanied him to the back office.

Small digression—I keep a file in my Gmail Drafts folder called “Blog topics I can’t write about.” The most recent entry was this one.

Here is the entry in the file:

today someone dropped a “tennis shoe” in the toilet that is so big, when you flush, it doesn’t even move. the water moves. the water in nearby toilets moves. the water in the women’s toilet moves (i’m told), but this behemoth does not move. i proposed we all start dropping dollar bills on the table until someone finally says "okay, i’ll take a crack at plunging the leviathan for that kind of money." so far nothing. i imagine it would be like the titanic breaking up. i also proposed that we simply walk the office until we saw a trail of blood or heard quiet weeping, since both were sure results of this kind of effort. so far nothing.  it seems this is the kind of challenge best left to professionals.

So there you go. Please return to your regularly scheduled programming.


19 Responses to “best left to professionals”

  1. Dooj Says:

    Dude you kill me, you really need a Bloggie award or a shrink I’m not sure which.

  2. KanyonKris Says:

    Gold, dug, gold.

    I’d be the guy taking the money and slaying the beast. Not much grosses me out after 4 kids – diaper blow-outs, projectile vomiting, toilet overflows, etc.

  3. JZ Says:

    I bet whoever it was took a picture of “it” with their phone. I know I would.

  4. bikemike Says:

    drain the pool and i want it scrubbed and sanitized with bleach. (it’s not the exact quote but close enough)

  5. Jenn Says:

    Is this meant to get rid of all the wives who recently came out of your readership closet?

  6. Blackdog Says:

    Bowl Spanner.

  7. Jonnie J Says:

    I quit blogging! How can I compete with this?

  8. Rick S. Says:

    Make a sign, put it on a toothpick and place on the beast that reads “Do Not Feed”.

    Maybe by tomorrow, it will have absorbed all the water in the bowl. That would be cool.

    And maybe by next week, it was have learned a few words in English. You know…like a parrot or something.

  9. VA Biker Says:

    Holy crap! Beyond audible, all the way to bust-out laughter on that one. Yikes! You have quite a way with description about things that are normally left alone. Not 100% sure that’s a good thing, but it is certainly appreciated.

  10. Andy in WV Says:

    We have a person on our floor that drops em like that. When we see it, we call it “TURDZILLA”. I’d say a good 3″ in diameter.

  11. Steve the BigRide Says:

    We call’em “beachers”. Half in the water, Half on land.

  12. GAC Says:

    On a related topic, I replaced all the “contractor grade” toilets in my house with American Standard Cadet Champion III toilets – biggest trapway they make, they never never NEVER clog. Couldn’t be happier.

  13. GJ Says:

    Did the veep require your assistance while he plunged for stabilization, like the outriggers on a canoe? or was he just showing off his handiwork?

  14. CB Says:

    Well done Dug. I’ve been brought to tears. (the good kind) and my co-workers are giving me the, “What in the hell are you reading in there?”

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