February 25, 2011

I’ve tried to keep my friendship with Elden secret, because, frankly, I don’t want anybody to know I’m friends with him. That’s why, when we were being investigated by the FBI [well, the National Park Service–but it’s still the feds, right?] for the egregious crime of Trundling, while he told the investigator that I was one of his best friends (kind of throwing me under the bus, I’d say), I said I knew Elden “pretty well.”

It was for his own good. Since Elden is widely regarded as a genuinely nice guy, and a noted philanthropist.

And I’m not as widely known, and the unfortunate few who do know me, know me more as, well, a misanthrope.

But I do troll Elden’s blog a bit. Lurk, really. Sometimes I read the comments. Usually I read the comments when he writes one of those jokey posts that are obviously, well, jokes.  Because that’s when you can expect the crazies.

And I loves me some crazies.

The other day, Elden wrote a funny post about meat filled energy bars. Meat-ergy bars.

Joking about meat is like an invitation to the cast and characters of One Who Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

Or maybe Girl Interrupted. Whatever.

Predictably, the Meat-ergy post attracted attention from humorless Vegans. Usually they come late to the party, because there is a network of humorless Vegans who monitor the Internet for Meat-ergy posts. And then they send in their champion.

This week’s Vegan super hero is Scott Spitz, a 24-year-old [oop–34 years old–suncrestdug regrets the error] vegan who is also:

  • drug-free
  • an anarchist
  • an atheist
  • a metal head
  • a husband
  • a father
  • etc.
  • etc.

I learned all these things — including both of the “etc.’s” in the list — by reading Scott’s bio page on his blog.

Scott the Vegan

I also learned — from his comment on Elden’s blog — that Scott didn’t think much of Elden’s idea for meat-ergy bars.

So I started thinking very seriously about the very serious things Scott had to say about meat. Etc.

Because Scott is, as I think you’ll agree if you’ll take a close look at his picture, a very serious person. Etc.

Wherein I Give Scott’s Comment Very Serious Consideration

Until I read Scott’s comment, I was pretty sure it was obvious that the Meat-Ergy post was just an absurd joke: a pitch to one of Elden’s sponsors — a VEGAN energy bar company — proposing bars made of various kinds of, well, meat, including suggestions for how thoroughly cooked they should be and what kind of condiments they should use. On the meat. In their meat-ergy bars.

Clearly, that was just wrong. Which Scott wanted all of us to know, in very serious terms. Etc.

And so now, I’m seriously happy to present Scott’s comment. Because I think the whole world needs to know his point of view, that’s why. Because it’s serious. Seriously serious. Etc.

I bet all the animals currently languishing in horrific factory farming conditions think this post is just ridiculously hilarious.

When I read this bombshell, I was astounded. Or flabbergasted.

No, it’s definitely astounded. I still am astounded. How could I not be astounded? I mean, I learned so much. For example:

  • I learned that these animals have Internet access. Which leads me to believe that maybe these factory farming conditions aren’t so horrible after all. Or maybe their internet connection is really slow — like it could be some crappy ISDN line attached to an overloaded wireless router, and maybe the router only supports the 802.11a spec. Or maybe they only get internet over a modem. That would be pretty darned horrific.
  • I learned that animals are sentient and have the ability to make judgment calls on the quality of humor. Which means they have the leg up on, um, some of us.
  • I learned that animals read blogs. Hi, animals.
  • Etc.

I’m not offended, but don’t think humor erases the severity of the situation. Here….

As far as the “I’m not offended” thing goes, here’s the thing. Suppose you just stubbed your toe and you’re dancing around and screaming and your eyes are watering.

Then you say, through the pain, “My toe doesn’t hurt.”

That doesn’t make people suddenly think, “Hey, his toe must not hurt.” Instead, they think, “Hey, this guy thinks we’re too dumb to tell that his toe hurts.”

And then there’s the “severity of the situation” called out in that video. OK, that was in fact pretty gross. No, exceedingly gross. But I think that might be a better argument for more ethical farming, not for veganism.

And I wonder: any time any stranger makes any joke, do you jump on them and tell them why that joke doesn’t save the world? Because — and you may want to sit down for this — jokes don’t usually save the world or otherwise erase the severity of any situation. Almost never. Unless you’re Bill Maher. Which I’m not. Nor is Elden. Wait, come to think of it, I’ve never seen those two together . . .

Anyway. If I were to make a joke about the horrible factory farming conditions of cheerful, sentient vegan marshmallows that wear cute little bowties, it wouldn’t really be very realistic for me to expect you to stop eating those happy little guys, would it?

By the way, I’d think that eating all those happy marshmallows would at least make you smile. You know, like because of osmosis or something. So I have provided a sample image to show what you might look like. For illustrative purposes only. This isn’t a joke, just a comp. We can go a different way if this doesn’t work.

Scott the Vegan Smiling

Also, there’s a reason your a fat cyclist.

Why yes, there IS a reason Elden’s a fat cyclist. I’m pretty sure it’s the same reason that Jennifer Aniston continues to make crappy movie after crappy movie.

But you know, there’s a also a reason no vegan runner has qualified for the Olympic marathon trials. Not the Olympics. The trials.

There might even be a reason why you essentially identified and then shamed one of the children you coach in your public blog for eating (cue gasp) ice cream and candy. And I’m sure that you have won that kid over just as thoroughly as you have the rest of us. Really. We’re all on board now. Ice cream and candy bad.

Finally, you should REALLY do some research into the diets that not only avoid cancer but help reverse the promotion of it. This coming from someone whose sister died of triple negative breast cancer.

Really? REALLY? So, you swoop in on someone’s obviously fake joke post about MEAT-ERGY bars, and start talking about cancer? And losing loved ones?

That’s horrible about your sister. But that loss doesn’t make you an expert on diet, or cancer. It clearly doesn’t make you very nice.

And even if you were a recognized expert and not just some stranger offering advice hot on the heels of an otherwise outrageously insulting comment, I’m pretty sure you are currently the very last person any of the rest of us would go to for guidance.

Oh. One last thing. I hate to be the guy to tell you this, but you should know: a long-hair combover still looks like a combover.


86 Responses to “etc.”

  1. Cor Says:

    Oh SNAP! And bonus for the combover.

  2. Jim Tolar Says:

    douchebag skewered. well done.


  3. evilreview Says:

    my guess is this guy wouldn’t be a metal head if he saw the horrific factory farming conditions of rock and roll bands.

  4. stevebpt Says:

    This guy needs some serious, seriously, therapy. I suggest Dr. Phil. Or Dr. Ruth. Or Dr. Oz. A colorectal surgeon might be able to locate his brain. I like the last suggestion. I’m serious. Seriously. Phone number for scott. 1-800-328-7448.

  5. KanyonKris Says:

    If I ever get roasted (like Dean Martin not like meat, although that does sound delicious) I want dug. It may sting but I’ll be laughing so hard I won’t care.

    This coming from someone who nearly choked to death on a radish.

  6. anon Says:

    Is it just me, or does Scott look a little bit like Stanley Tucci with a long comb over? Hi animals. Please don’t put a leg up on me.

    • mark Says:

      I was going to say he looks like Elden with hair photoshopped on. When I first saw the picture, I thought it was, in fact, Elden with photoshop hair. But Stanley Tucci with a combover also works.

  7. Milt Says:

    Long-time reader, first-time responder: Awesome post, dug.


  8. bob Says:

    Oh. Wow. I quit reading Elden’s comments, because I keep expecting Mark A to snap on them. Totalling different reasoning.

    Mr. Spitz is in for some, ermmmm, traffic.

    I will concur on the combover, shaved bald is much more effective, unless you are going for some ‘look’

    Do runners normally look old for their age?

    Oh, someone asked me if I was Elden on my flight from Philadelphia last night, I was all like, damn, I’m not fat.

  9. Wayne Says:

    Best post ever!

    I bet he wants to fight you now. Which makes me think– Maybe we could get you two in an MMA fight with the proceeds to go to either cancer research or the promotion of horrific factory farming conditions. You choose.

  10. chtrich Says:


  11. chris evans Says:

    The best part is that all vegans secretly eat meat. They just won’t admit it.


  12. mateo Says:

    bravo! just an tour de force response there dug. Vegan marshmallows? He is sponsored by Vegan marshmallows? Can you have a penis and be sponsored by marshmallows? That’s allowed? BTW, I kind of thought he looked like “Moocher” in Breaking Away…and we know what kind of roles Jackie Earl Haley ended up playing later in life. I’m just sayin’

  13. Jeff Says:

    Ironically, the animals in the factory farms did find Elden’s post hilarious. It was actually the organic oats in the vast, open fields that felt spited because Elden admitted he would give them up for meat.

  14. Andy Says:

    Some of us that abstain from meat did indeed find Fatty’s post funny.

    And if meat is Elden’s reason for being a (THE) fat cyclist, I wonder what my excuse is…

  15. NYCCarlos Says:

    Amazing. 100% amazing. I hope he reads this.

  16. Bethany Says:

    That guy is only 24? He kind of looks like Anthony Kiedis from the Red Hot Chili Peppers, except, ya know, older and like he did hard drugs for longer.

    On a personal note, I’m a vegetarian and think Eldens post was hillarious. Some people just don’t get satire.

  17. Grizzly Adam Says:

    “The Scott Spitz Cancer Comfort Center”

    Client: “I’ve got cancer. It’s pretty serious.”

    Scott: “You bastard! You ate the processed marshmallows didn’t you? Didn’t you!”

    (Oh, and his bio says he’s 34. Although even then…)

  18. JZ Says:

    Watch out for the Vegan Power:

  19. Adventure Nell Says:

    Well played sir

  20. Mike Morris Says:

    Vegan fan of Fatty here. Okay, some vegans do lack a free-wheeling sense of humor, have an unfortunate tendency to whine, overreact, and make unpersuasive, counter-productive arguments. Some even sport unfashionable hair-styles. But their existence doesn’t invalidate arguments against animal cruelty any more than it validates most people’s unexamined lives/diets. To the “commenters” above: there are bigger, scarier, and more important targets out there than vegans. Why not grow a pair and take on someone with power who’s actually hurting somebody?

    • dug Says:

      mike, no worries–i plan on insulting uptight humorless whiny omnivores next. year. and fixie riding hipsters the year after that. and complacent middle class white guys the year after . . . hey! that’s me.

      but only if they come into my house trying to start sumthin.

      the thing is . . . wait, no, the post explained what the thing is well enough.

      hey, just curious. did you put the word “commenters” in quotes because you don’t really believe that they are really commenters?

    • Grizzly Adam Says:

      There’s a pretty wide gap between animal cruelty and eating meat.

      • stevebpt Says:

        Meat comes from animals? I thought there was some kind of tree. Man, my whole world just spun. or spinned. or somethin. Not to worry, all is well again, bbq this weekend.

      • Mike Morris Says:

        The wide gap is that meat eaters usually aren’t present for the cruelty, just passively accepting and benefitting from it. Not that vegans are pure – vegetable cultivation takes millions of lives. But I don’t think that’s really a reason for people to quit trying to live consistently with their values or be conscious of the suffering caused by their choices – including the choice to eat cultivated vegetables. Bottom line, I think lots of vegans try hard not to be hypocrites, and deserve some respect for the effort, even from people who don’t want to jump on the bandwagon.

    • stevebpt Says:

      Because it’s more fun to make fun of insensitive, boring, no sense of humor “people” who “comment” on other “peoples” “blogs” and try to make a big issue out of “fun”.

      rabidrunner, loved it. Come to think of it, that’s how my wife gets me to do stuff around the house.

      Dug, you forgot to mention the year you were going to insult red voting minorities and majorities.

    • Brian Says:

      Another Vegan fan o’ Fatty here (there are more of us than you might think)..

      There is more to this topic than can adequately be discussed as comments to a blog. As a vegan, its easy to be thin-skinned in our culture that not only promotes omnivores, but casts some moral objection to a no-animal diet. Really though, the opportunity (right maybe?) to make the simple decision of what you want/don’t-want to eat is something that everyone should be given.

      Vegans do feel like outsiders because as a whole we’re treated that way. We’re even kookier than the Vegetarians. When you live in a world where you’re considered “less manly” for being vegan, its easy for someone to fly off the handle and get preachy.

      FWIW, vegan marshmallows are d@mn good. Dug, if you’re an equal opportunity eater, email me your addresses and I’ll send some asap. I promise they’re as good as the real thing without all the horse hooves..

  21. rabidrunner Says:

    Some animals have internet. My animal does. He just read this post along beside me. ‘Course there’s bacon grease on the keyboard, but he really did look like he was reading it.

    Come to think of it… bacon is how I got the beast to do stuff like sit ‘n shake. Come to think of it… bacon is how I get my Spouse to do stuff like sit ‘n shake. Suddenly I feel bad for Scott’s wife. How does she get Scott to do stuff like sit ‘n shake if she can’t dangle the bacon?

    The guy’s a walking paradox. I especially like the part about being an anarchist vegan. Vegans have more rules than anyone I know. Like “no honey.” I learned this week that “pure” vegans don’t eat honey.

    That was incredibly entertaining. Thank you.

    • bob Says:

      ‘Dangle the Bacon’ ‘ Sit ‘n Shake’ i think this went R rated,

      Mike M, I’m not targeting Vegans, just that one, or maybe 2 now

      In other news, an ‘anarchist’ just deleted my comment about a comment he deleted.

      what, wait.

  22. Rick S. Says:

    It’s been 15 years since i’ve had a carrot. Big deal.

  23. leigh anne Says:

    it pays to be a friend of fatty and what a friend you are

  24. bikemike Says:

    wow. yep, that’s all i got…wow.
    man, i hope we’re having burgers tonight.

  25. MOCougFan Says:

    So I was reading a long thinking… “Good job Dug, Give em hell”… when I came to the comeover jab. Nearly died laughing. Brilliant as always.

  26. MOCougFan Says:

    That would be combover. Please do not come over Scott. I don’t think I like you much.

    Dug your welcome any time.

  27. gumoore Says:

    Zing – and well done. Loved the last jab. Thank you.

  28. Kt Says:

    I like how he comments on his own blog as “kipwinger”.

    I am not making that up. I clicked on dug’s link, which BTW takes you to a post about making a large pan of vomit. I think it’s supposed to be home-made energy bar but it looks like something else completely.

    Great post, dug. I’m surprised you didn’t call him out for improper your/you’re, though.

    • Jeff Says:

      I’d like to know what happens when he tries to get that kid to give up ice cream by offering him his homemade “energy bars”.

      “I know you like your Chunky Monkey, but why not try this square of suet instead? I gave it to my pet parakeet and he LOVED it!”

    • returnoftheheroes Says:

      yeah the your/ you are thing is what screams out to me everytime i read that comment. I began by reading the comment and was like wow this guy is throwing some stuff around and then i saw “your” and it was kind of like letting the air out of a tire, Figured if he can’t get that much right then the rest isn’t worth it.

      midn you my spelling and grammer is pretty terrible as well

      • dug Says:

        but then, you don’t expect people to take you seriously, right? if you did, you would pay attention to it. i mean, if my point was to get people to pay attention, and not just make fun of me, i would take a moment to clean it up.

        lucky for us.

  29. Doug Says:

    The world would be a better place if people had a sence of humor.

  30. Ocker Says:

    I’m a level 5 vegan. I don’t eat anything that casts a shadow

  31. Scott Long Says:

    I’m essentially a vegan (and a strong cyclist, not true that the diet lacks protein), and also an Atheist and metal-head, but unlike the other humorless Scott, I don’t think vegans should troll websites looking to start an argument.

  32. WheelDancer Says:

    Over the top funny! Where do these morons come from anyway?

  33. Jenn Says:

    Dug – I actually ‘slept on’ this post last night, in an effort to think up a worthy comment. I got nuthin’. Except to say that this is the finest piece of snark ever written, and that comes from someone who prides herself on snarkiness. Made my night, thanks!

    To Scott/Stanley/Moocher/Anthony, I say, “Get out of my way son, you’re usin’ my oxygen.”

  34. bikemike Says:

    oh and some animals eat their young. what’s that all about?

  35. eber Says:

    from theWife (after i told her about the Fat Cylist/Skinny Vegan/Middle Aged Misanthrope drama):

    “why…the earth would be over run with animals if we didn’t eat them!”

    i love her. oh, and you and fatty too (in a strictly platonic sort of way…ahem).

  36. eber Says:

    and from Marshmallow Eater?


  37. Mary from NC Says:

    hahaha love the comb over joke. totally surprised you passed on an opportunity to cash in on vegan/toilet humor.

    love the comment, big deal I haven’t had a carrot in 15 years

  38. Flyin' Ute Says:

    Wait, You mean the Meat-ergy Bars are a joke?

    It’s not even April 1st yet. You are some cruel pranksters.

    I was hoping to use them for my Leadville training. I’m seriously bummed!

  39. Douglas Says:

    WOW! Quite the rant! I bet that Vegan is extremely regular though.

  40. […] Also, I may go ahead and hire Dug as my full-time troll combatant. […]

  41. Bryan (not that one) Says:

    Dang it, Jeannebelle already said exactly what I was going to say. Oh well, it’s still exactly how I feel. Wait, I’ll add caps to emphasize it:


  42. JB Says:

    Wait, I don’t understand about the marshmallows…..I thought they were just sugar. Are there horse hoofs in marshmallows???

  43. BotchedExperiment Says:

    I can eat 50 eggs.

  44. Bryan (not that one)'s wife Says:

    He looks like someone you’d see on wife swap.

  45. Other Jeff Says:

    OUCH! Thank you.

  46. Bob B. Says:

    At first, I thought you were being too hard on the guy, but then I read that last quote: “Finally, you should REALLY do some research into the diets that not only avoid cancer but help reverse the promotion of it. This coming from someone whose sister died of triple negative breast cancer.”

    Question. Why would someone say that to someone whose wife recently died from cancer? I mean, we all KNOW that if Elden had stopped feeding Susan meat, she would still be alive today, but he didn’t have to SAY what we’ve all been thinking.

    One thing did make me curious. If he knows so much about how dieting can prevent cancer and “reverse the promotion” of it, why, um, didn’t his sister fare better?

    • Milt Says:

      Not to mention, telling Elden that he “should REALLY do some research” makes Scott/Kip an easy target.

      Elden has raised north of $500K for cancer research (it might be closer to $1M).

      Scott/Kip trolls blogs to preach the word.

      Who is helping more?

      Clearly Scott/Kip. Or, so he thinks.

  47. Chad Says:

    Freaking Hair…larious!

  48. CB Says:

    Simply brilliant.
    I got nothin’ else for you Dug…except of course the invoice you’ll be receiving from the Apple store.
    I had to replace my keyboard after spitting a cold beverage all over it when I read the “comb-over comment”.

  49. […] lambasts a pretentious Vegan runner named Scott. A hilarious, scathing read. “And I wonder: any time any stranger makes […]

  50. […] As some of you know by now, this generated a little bit of a fuss among some readers. This bothered me at first — I’m a pretty thin-skinned person, sometimes. This consternation turned, however, to pure joy as my friend Dug took one particularly sanctimonious comment and pretty much crushed it. […]

  51. marc Says:

    I wonder if vegetable based ink was specified for the arm tats?

  52. evilbanks Says:

    You just handed this jackass a thorough verbal ass kicking and I enjoyed every second of it. Hell, I might even go read that shit again it was so good. You, my friend, are the God of words. AWESOME

  53. WheelDancer Says:

    I’ve read this three times and each time I laughed harder. I suppose I’ll have to do some vegan penance or something to atone for finding this so completely hilarious (fine, I’ll do it as I finish my cheeseburger)

  54. Heber Chad Says:

    Dug, this makes me wish I bought the house in Suncrest instead of Heber so I could stop by with some Bacon wrapped shrimp.

  55. Sara-no-h Says:

    I do believe I saw Elden make the FAB 50 in Utah Valley Magazine. He looks so cute holding his ‘A.’

    Apparently Utah Valley magazine does not do background checks for trundler-acating-ators. (I’m a Phineas and Ferb fan. SUE ME!!!)

  56. […] hoping to become the first former mountain biker to qualify for the U.S. Olympic Triathlon […]

  57. Vegan Fail Says:

    […] what I said in #4, I will admit that I admire the self-discipline that vegans employ. Except for Scott the Runner. He’s an […]

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