all this for a story?

June 22, 2011

A while back, a friend of mine got his entire body waxed, just so he would have a good story to tell. Which I think is actually a noble reason. Not that I would ever do that.

On a related note, when my brother in law, the dentist, recently sent an email to the family offering teeth whitening/bleaching for the low low price of free, it took several seconds, at least, for another member of the family to email back saying that I would be taking the first available slot. Cuz there’s a family wedding this weekend. Gotta look my best.

Did you know that bleaching your teeth hurts? No? Well, that makes you normal. You know what’s NOT normal? This:

Here I am with the apparatus fully functioning. Can you see the tears? Maybe I was only crying on the inside.

So, I guess you want to know how it feels. Here’s how it feels–like someone is running live electrical current through my jaw, and randomly hitting me in the face with a 9 iron.

Afterward, Dan asked me if I wanted a prescription for some Lortab. At first I said Of course not, I am a strong, confident man.

Then I reconsidered. “So, would you say the pain is probably peaked right now, and will diminish throughout the day or . . . ?” His face said it all. And then his mouth said “most people say the pain peaks several hours later.”

It’s now several hours later. Here’s how it feels: like someone is running live electrical current through my jaw, and randomly hitting me in the face with a baseball bat. And also, using a pliers to twist random teeth around in their sockets. And as if my lower jaw has been removed and put in backwards. I think I’ll feel like this looks for a couple days:

I haven’t really looked at my teeth yet. But they better be brighter than the sun to justify this kind of pain. I will now take an entire bottle of Lortab.

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37 Responses to “all this for a story?”

  1. Rob (dug's brother) Says:

    … good story …

  2. Rob (dug's brother) Says:

    You seem to have a little blue swelling around the lips/gums. think that’ll go down?

    • dug Says:

      every breath is like breathing fire. is this how dragons feel, and why they seem to be so cranky all the time?

  3. Mark Says:

    How many cycles did they do? I did four cycles of Zoom a couple of years ago at my brother’s practice and had zingers for the next 36 hours. This spring I did three cycles of a different technique (no light was required to activate the whitening agent – not sure what it was called) and didn’t have much discomfort afterwards.

    Either way, it looks like you had good results so in another day or two the pain will fade and your smile will be the envy of all your family & friends!

    • dug Says:

      three cycles. at the end of the third, she said “i have a little more bleach here, if you want to . . .”

      i reached for my gun.

  4. Michele Says:

    Wimp!

    • dug Says:

      shut up. i feel like i’ve been attached to a light socket, and someone is flicking the switch.

      i don’t want to live. i do not want to live.

      dignity and grace.

  5. Anonymous Says:

    So now you know what women have known throughout millenia : the price of BEAUTY is PAIN.

    Welcome to the Sisterhood. πŸ™‚

  6. sb Says:

    So, now you know what women have known throughout millenia : the price of BEAUTY is PAIN.

    Welcome to the Sisterhood. πŸ™‚

  7. sb Says:

    whoops, sorry. Didn’t mean to duplicate.

  8. VA Biker Says:

    And there’s a good promotion for the extended family business, eh?….

    Please, come endure excruciating pain with my brother in law for the sake of vanity.

  9. KanyonKris Says:

    Wait, haven’t I seen you in a movie? Oh, yeah that big mouth creature at the gates of Modor.

  10. ShedBiker Says:

    Whitened teeth look fake. My dentist’s receptionist has artificially white teeth and artificially tan skin, like she’s been Photoshop’ed. It’s kind of repulsive, actually. My coffee stains, on the other hand, are the genuine article.

  11. Grizzly Adam Says:

    So they don’t just put those little strips you can buy at the grocery store on your teeth then… who knew?

  12. Nate Says:

    I want to know who volunteered you to do it?

  13. Shelle Says:

    You describe the pain perfectly. As I was leaving Bud’s office, the hygenist asked me how it went. I said, “fine, have you done it?” She said, “no, I’m too scared.” HMMMMM, why would she be scared, then the zingers started. I went home and curled in a ball for then next few hours, trying not to breathe in. I would never do it again- I kept thinking how stupid it was, and that I like the color yellow.


  14. You’re probably gonna need some Botox or Restyln shots now, to correct the stretching damage done by that blue contraption. Just sayin’…

    Also, that top photo is, without question, the best photograph on this or any blog. Ever.

  15. Jeff Says:

    Just don’t smile in the theater.

  16. stevebpt Says:

    Love the wide eyes in the first pic, can’t see the tears but I can only imagine. I’m starting to like my yellow open mouth breathing teeth much more now. Thanks for the heads up on quick and easy teeth whitening. They should pay the victims for doing that.

  17. stevebpt Says:

    Do we get a follow up pic of those pearly whites you paid so dearly for?

  18. bikemike Says:

    i would not want to have that procedure done to my testicles.

  19. JB Says:

    Who knew bleaching your teeth would be so painful. Could be a funny joke to play on an unsuspecting volunteer!

  20. kim Says:

    Maddy says: daddy, what’s “a pliers?”

    • stevebpt Says:

      I am almost speechless and dumbfounded that Maddy does not know and scared to ask my teens if they know what a Pliers is!

      • dug Says:

        steve, gotta read closer. she’s making fun of me for saying “a” pliers instead of just “pliers” or “some” pliers.

        • bikemike Says:

          dug, i’m sure she was just confused because most people know them as “a wrench”. as in “hand me a wrench” and of course you get the other thing.

        • stevebpt Says:

          Dang, just not good at that detail stuff, wait, was that a fuzzy rabbit?


  21. […] Tonight she’s not feeling very serious, really. But there is an element of shame involved. Because, after all, who laughs at someone in pain at the dentist? Even if the subject is there voluntarily and for purely cosmetic rea… […]


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