just give me the movie theater

January 21, 2011

I really need stronger meds.

Not everyday, just when I go to the movies. What is it about a movie theater and movie theater people that pushes me over the edge?

It’s not rocket science. I pay about $8 a ticket. I buy popcorn and Diet Coke at a mark-up they would love on Rodeo Drive. I love movies, and I want you to shut up while I love them. Theaters even have public service messages disguised as previews where they tell everybody in the audience to shut up and listen, and to turn their cell phones off.

And yet. And yet, every time I go to the movies, some yahoo ignores all that and decides that telling the babysitter that it’s okay if the kids watch the Wiggles one more time before bed is more important than the movie we’re all watching. All 300 of us.

Kim and I went to see The King’s Speech last week with some friends. We sat up near the back, to minimize the number of yahoos that could sit behind us, as is my wont.

And about 3/4 of the way through, waaaay down on the second row, some ingrate pulled out his cell phone, held it up in front of his face, and started texting.

I’m telling you, it was brighter than the SUN!

I started to fidget. I leaned forward. I leaned back. I squirmed. And I considered my options.

  1. Go down to jackass’s row, sit in the empty seat next to him, lean over, and politely say “Excuse me sir. Your cell phone is brighter than the screen up yonder. It is, in fact, like a supernova. Kindly turn it off and put it back in your pocket.”
  2. Stay in my seat, but just outright yell “Hey, Jackass in the second row! TURN OFF YOUR $*#@ING CELL PHONE! IT OUTSHINES THE GIANT SCREEN!”
  3. Kill myself.

I would think either option 1 or option 2 would have resulted in applause and general gratitude from the audience. Right? And option 3 wouldn’t solve the problem at all, really.

Except, as I got fidgetier and fidgetier (this yahoo was texting for bordering on five minutes), Kim leaned over and whispered “What’s the matter with you?”

I whispered back “Are you kidding? Check out the giant spotlight cell phone in the second row. It’s driving me crazy!”

Kim squinted. “Oh, I hadn’t noticed.”

She’s always telling me I have a gift, because I don’t notice the kids’ music, or their conversations, or hear other distracting things that drive her crazy.

I would trade gifts. Give me peace and quiet in the movie theater. I will take peace and quiet in the movie theater over the right to pick the radio station, over people signaling lane changes, over left lane fast right lane slow, over annoying noises and smells in everyday life. Just give me the movie theater.

Is it just me? Apparently it’s just me.

15 Responses to “just give me the movie theater”

  1. Grizzly Adam Says:

    You are a ripe candidate for a home theater. All your own. Quiet.

    But I’m with you. If you are going to go to a movie, then be there. Watch it quietly and get into the story. If you can’t do that, or the movie sucks, then walk out. Or don’t go.

    Plato’s Cave has been most compromised.

  2. KanyonKris Says:

    This same thing happened to me a few weeks ago during True Grit. It’s crazy how bright those phones are.

    I considered options 1 and 2, but for 3 I wanted a projectile – an airsoft would have been perfect. I even pondered the accuracy needed to hit the douche with a spitball launched from a straw. Next movie I’m packing my airsoft pistol.

    You know the proposal to have billy-clubs at every airplane seat to thwart hijackers? I want them for movie theaters. At least nerf guns.

  3. Minette Says:

    No, it’s not just you. Those screens are visible from mars, I swear, and they hold onto my eyeball in the theater with the strength of a thousand magnets.

    I think I’m going to start packing large, stale marshmallows. Or date-expired eggs…

  4. bikemike Says:

    did a rant on facebook about this EXACT thing the other day. 2 words…DUCT TAPE. think about it…loud mouths-duct tape…crinkly wrappers-duct tape…super novas blasting from cell phones-duct tape.

    duct tape was originally called, duck tape, because it was a tape designed by dupont for the army to tape up cuts and holes in tents that were made from cotton duck canvas. so, technically it is correct to call it duck tape. it has nothing to do with repairing duct work.

    but i digress, tape the heck out of anyone/anything that annoys at the movies. it’s a constitutional right.

  5. Steve Says:

    aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! I feel the same way. I have a few bruises from my wife on my feet when I start fidgeting in the same way even though it bugs her too. All of it. She’s just nicer.

    I like the projectile idea. No, I love the projectile idea. Would a potato gun be accurate and/or subtle enough?

  6. Bob Jones, Esq Says:

    I bring a surefire flashlight (T1A Titan or 6P Led) to the movies. Just shine it in the offender’s face. Problem solved. It’s also really handy for when your change/keys/phone drop from your pocket (in the event your wife brings the small purse, and you have to hold your own crap).

  7. prodigalcyclist Says:

    Wiggles? Huh? People besides me actually get baby-sitters instead of taking their screaming children with them to the movie?

  8. mark Says:

    You should go to the movies with this guy. Note the comments of the Irish newspaper about the incident.

  9. tohellandback1st Says:

    1. milk duds; eat 5, throw one; eat 5 more…
    2. same as 1 only lick before throwing.
    3. use dots.

  10. Nate Says:

    So, did you do option 1 or option 2. Maybe thats what the sleeping maiden was telling you to “WATCH OUT” for?

  11. VaLene Says:

    I have two suggestions: 1. One of those red laser pointer lights – put it right on the offender’s cell phone screen. 2. Invent some type of blinders for yourself – you know like they put on race horses. They would block out everything but the large screen. That would be a sight to see.

  12. Cor Says:

    Argh. Last night at a Margret Cho show, the two girls beside me were none stop on the texting. But they didn’t take anyone’s threats seriously. I wanted to lean over and start ripping their face piercings out one by one.

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