bad boo

I live in Utah, which can be a pretty weird place, we have some strange traditions. And I’m not even talking about religion.

For example, at Christmas, neighborhoods often get caught up in a super consumerist, can-you-top-this “neighbor gift” contest. The idea is, you pick the people you like, or feel obligated to, or those who have already “neighbor-gifted” YOU, and you spend an entire day baking your BEST treats, put them on cute plates, wrap them up, and drive the neighborhood dropping them on people’s doorsteps. Both awesome and terrible at the same time.

For example, about maybe 12 years ago some good friends of ours dropped a plate on our step, and I brought it inside to set it on the table next to the rest of the loot. But these good friends had put FOUR cookies on the plate. FOUR! There are FIVE of us, what, one of us has to do without? If the cookies were lame, no big deal, but these were delicious. They forced a Sophie’s Choice on us.

Give me a minute here.

Okay, I’m breathing normally again.

But. BUT. Here’s another goofy Utah tradition–for Halloween, you get “Boo’d.”

That is, someone gives you some yummy Halloween treats, a photocopy of a picture of a ghost, with a goofy poem that gives you instructions, which can vary, but the gist is this: Make two copies of this picture, put the original in your window (so you don’t get “boo’d” twice), make some Halloween treats, and go “boo” two of your neighbors.

How festive!

Well, this year we got “boo’d” on Friday afternoon. That is, we got “boo’d” on Halloween afternoon, when it was waaaay too late to turn around and “boo” someone else.

Well that’s not the worst part. Remember the neighbor “gift” plate of FOUR cookies? When we got “boo’d” last Friday, they left us a box of Sugar Babies and a little box of Peeps.

Seriously. Also, I AM AWARE that one of you readers may be (probably is) the perpetrator of the WORST BOO’ING EVER. I don’t care, you need to be called out. Naked Lame Boo’ing Cannot Stand.

Sugar Babies? These are the bird shit of candy, little deer droppings in a box. In the history of Halloween, have you ever gotten Sugar Babies and thought “Sweet, Sugar Babies, I’ll stop trick 0r treating and eat them NOW”?

Of course not. Because they suck.

And Peeps? PEEPS? Peeps are a joke candy, a grandma candy, something you give as a white elephant when they’ve sat in your cupboard for over a year.

Freaking Peeps?

Ack, okay, I’m taking my meds.

I can think of four reasons this may have happened.

One–It was a hate crime. Someone really really doesn’t like me, and expressed their disdain through the medium of a last minute boo of Sugar Babies and Peeps. From Hell’s Heart I Stab At Thee. Also, well played. Nice one.

Two–It was a “Re-Boo.” That is, someone boo’d THEM this poo poo platter, and they just turned around and “re-boo’d” it. In which case, lame, but, well, it sounds like something I would do. Nice one.

Three–You really are this lame. That is, you have no problem both boo’ing at the very last minute AND you actually like Sugar Babies and Peeps, and you thought they would make a nice alternative treat on a night when I was sure to eat my weight in Kit Kats, Butterfingers, and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups (the golden triumvirate of top tier Halloween treats). In which case, listen up: You Are Lame. STOP IT. Sugar Babies suck ass and Peeps are a Christmas Tree decoration, NOT a yummy treat.

Four–I forget what four was for. Whatever.

Thank you. You’re welcome.